Ahhh!!

Well the last three weeks have been rough. I've been on an emotional roller coaster. First of all, complications with friends got me down in the dumps. Then I fainted during one of my workouts with Mac. Yeah, that would have been a funny story had I been in the mood to write it. I'm okay. I just forgot to eat. But because of these issues, working out has been the last thing on my mind, and a little scary. I know it's stupid, but my last session with Mac, I was terrified the whole time that I was going to pass out again, so it kept me from pushing myself, and the friend I was working out with hurt her knee. So, I'm back to working out alone.

The emotional stuff combined with all the holiday temptation has not been a good combo. I haven't gone completely off track, I'm just in a place where I don't care right now. I saw some pictures of myself the other day, and I can't see a difference between now and pictures from August when I started. I KNOW there's a difference because I'm wearing two sizes smaller. I just can't SEE it. Why is it that it's so important for us to see things? Argh! I'm just so frustrated.


I've been avoiding updating, because I wanted to have good news for all of you, but I just figured out that this feeling isn't going away, and that's why I need you. That's why I need this blog. That's why I need to be honest. I don't like to complain, and be in need of encouragement. I'm so used to being that for other people, it's an uncomfortable place to be in myself. But..here I am.

I realized at midnight on Monday night while laying in bed, that I had completely missed my session with Mac on Saturday! That's right...just plain forgot. That is where my head is right now. I know it's a crazy time of year, and I know my head is in Christmas programs and parties etc, but I'm scared to get on the scale. I'm scared that I've lost all the ground I'd gained. I haven't weighed in a month out of fear, and the fear of what the knowledge of gaining weight and going in the wrong direction will do to me.

I watched the Biggest Loser the other night, and saw the contestants be sent home for 60 days to do it on their own. When they came back 2 of the 4 only lost 16lbs in 60 days. That actually encouraged me more than the other two who lost 50 or 60 lbs each. Why? Because these people know exactly what to eat. They have trained extensively. They were counting every calorie and working out at least 4 hours a day, every day at home, and they still only lost about 2lbs per week. That made me feel like I'm doing okay if it took me twice as long to lose that much, because I'm only working out an hour or two, three or four times a week. Then I thought, how much more would I lose if I did devote that time? Is that what it really takes?

Friends, I'm so nervous about the holidays. I want to enjoy them, but I don't want to wake up in 2010 the same person I've always been. I'm trying to change! But what I'm learning is that change is not an overnight thing. It's not one decision, It's a thousand. It's not one day, it's every day. It's not giving up. It's not stopping. It's a constant pursuit, until one day you look at your reflection and you see the change that happened on the inside, finally changed the outside.

Just got a call from Melissa. She wanted to meet me at the gym. So here it is..Thursday, and I'm hitting the gym for the first time this week.