Did you just call yourself fat?

Hello world. Welcome to my journey. This is the diary of a mad fat woman, and here are the reasons that describes ME.

Why I'm mad...

I'm mad because after being on diets for the past 20 years, and still trying, I could easily be considered clinically insane. Mad at the food companies for making such yummy things. Mad at my genes for cursing me with this daily battle of the bulge, and yes mad at myself for not really committing to change before now.

Why I'm fat...

Well, obviously I love to eat. I love food. Plain and simple. I love the taste, the texture and the experience of food, as it's often shared with friends and family. I know lots of overweight people eat to fill some sort of emotional void, but I don't think that's me. I mean, sure an ice cream sundae makes me feel good, but I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone on the planet who didn't feel a little better after a rush of sugar and yumminess.

Fat is normal for me. Most of the time I don't think of myself as fat. That's why overweight people hate seeing pictures of themselves. It often shocks us into reality, and reminds us of the truth that we overlook most of the time. Not that we don't think we could lose a few pounds. Most people feel that way, and almost all women feel that way. So, we feel pretty much like everyone else, until we see a picture or even worse..the dreaded VIDEO of us in that outfit that makes us feel so sexy or skinny, and our world comes crashing down when realize we're the largest person in the picture.

I'm not in la la land about this. I know my weight directly effects the way people, and most of all ,MEN view and treat me. As much as I want to be dating and married, sometimes I wonder if I sometimes sabotage diets, because being looked at in a sexual way scares me to death. Well, how's that for honesty?

Anyway, this isn't meant to be so serious. I can lose weight, change my life and still have a good time right? I remember the first time I realized I was fat. I was in fifth grade , and wearing my favorite pair of flowery shorts, or they might have been called coo lots then. The devious little devil that scarred my life forever, had no idea what he was doing. He made some kind of comment about my rear end not fitting through the door. In his defense he was only combating the comment I had previously made about his fat head. However, I think our usage of the word "fat" was somehow different. I remember going home that day and staring at the mirror at my posterior for a solid half hour. "Yep, he's right, " I thought, and then it began. My realization that I wasn't like the other kids.

For me, I've always thought laughing about it was the way to go. I mean everyone has a flaw, something they don't like about themselves. For some of us we wear our "fat" on the inside, hidden from the world. For me, it's on the outside for all to see. Sometimes, I think I've got the easier road. Those that have to deal with major character flaws that they have to fight all their lives, don't have the accountability to the world or the constant reminders to work on themselves. Okay, did I just make myself sound like I have no character flaws? LOL I think you know what I'm saying here.

Why I'm a woman...

Well, I guess that's pretty obvious too. I have the necessary parts, I'm hormonal, and the name of my two best friends are chocolate and spandex.

Now that that's all clear, I can tell you what this is all about. I am sick of being a mad fat woman. I want to be a happy healthy woman. I know that God has called me to be a different person than I am, and I feel a call to be obedient to His will in this, and every area of my life. I've often prayed "God send me to Africa, God tell me to pray 24 hours a day, call me celibacy, but don't take away the CAKE!" Okay, not really...especially about the celibacy thing, but pretty much it's been the only thing in my life that I feel like I've never given Him complete control over. I've never put my whole heart into it.

I think I have a realistic goal. I'm not trying to be a size 2 or weigh a certain number. I just want to feel better, move better, be healthy and be able to go and do the things my heart longs for. Right now, I'm a skinny 22 or a fat 20, depending on the brand of jeans and the proximity of a bed to lay on for the process of zipping. My first goal, not final goal, but first goal is to get to a size 16. God spoke a word to me about 3 years ago, that hasn't let go of my spirit. He told me that if I would make the effort to get to a size 16, he would bless me. I believe He means to bless me in the way of romance. That is so tied to this for me. I don't believe I am to stop there, but I believe that will tell God I'm serious.

He didn't ask me to take a giant leap. He broke it down into a step the size of which I could take. You see, seven years ago, I weighed the same weight I do now, and I got down to a size 16 on my own, so He has asked me to do something that I know is within my reach. If He had told me to get down to a size 8, that would seem impossible to me.

It's taken me three years to get to the place where I'm ready to let everything go, and make this change for the last time. I have spent months in prayer over this situation. It has been my every waking thought. I have gone through what I would consider the hardest time of my life personally in the past few months, because God has been slowly doing a work deep down inside of me to change my life in a way that is permanent. I told Him that I could not survive another failed attempt at this, and that I would only try again if He gave me His plan.

So, here's the plan. Btw...thanks for hanging in there and reading all of this. I promise my blogs will be much shorter, but a lot needed to be said upfront so that you can fully understand the weight of this decision. (no pun intended)

My sister Kristi who is a fitness instructor and lives in Baltimore, has spent time with me at the gym. She has lined out a plan of action, and also given me a lot of pointers on what to eat. I have set up an online food journal where she will be monitoring my diet. I also have gotten a year's membership to a local gym. I have scheduled 3 sessions with a personal trainer to get me started. After that I plan to have one session a month to keep me on track. I have always avoided involving other people in my weight loss, because let's face it, our pride gets in the way, but I have given up my pride. Here I am. I'm fat, and I know it. Now, let's do something about it.

I feel that God has given me this plan, as well as directed me to an eating plan, oddly enough from an infomercial, that made me cry within the first 30 seconds. This plan has been approved by Kristi, so I feel good about it, at least to jump start my weight loss. Over the years I've dieted with the best of them, Weight Watchers, Nutri-system, the Mediterranean diet, even what the call the Miracle diet (eating biblical). That one is named appropriately because only the Miracle man himself could live on it. I've tried reading all kinds of books, including the newest addition to my collection "Chocolate Covered Jesus." Okay, it isn't really called that, but that's practically what it is. I didn't buy it for myself, but what does it say that a friend of mine saw it and thought of me? A daily devotional that tells you how to eat right, while giving you recipes for everything chocolate covered, dunked and dipped.

Last point, I promise.

I've eaten right, I've exercised, but I've never been held accountable. I feel like God has given me the idea of blogging about my journey, because I know I have a lot of friends and family who care about me, and want me to be healthy and happy. You will be the final ingredient. You will be difference. The Word says that a three fold cord is not easily broken. I need these three things working together to make a cord strong enough to pull me out of this pit I'm in. I plan on blogging daily. Probably just a paragraph or two. Hopefully with many funny antidotes, so you won't be bored, but this is me being honest. This is me trying to change my life. This is me asking for your help. I've only sent this link to a few trusted friends, I ask that you subscribe to my blog, that way it will send you an email every time I update. I ask that you leave me comments occasionally to encourage me. I ask most of all that you cover me in prayer, and that you not be afraid to ask me how things are going on this journey. I know what you're thinking.."does she know what she's getting herself into?" Yes...Mom...I do. LOL Like I said, I've spent months thinking and praying about this. In fact I wrote the original draft of this blog, which by the way was a lot shorter, LOL, two months ago. I AM scared to open this up to all of you, because I know the price of failing is so much greater, but I need that kind of pressure to make this change for the better. I started to write something about hoping that you all still love me if I fail, but I can't even bring myself to write that. There is no room in my heart for fear of failure right now, and I'm determined to keep it that way.

I'm 28 years old, my knees are pre-arthritic, I'm afraid of dying because of my weight and if I were blessed enough to be married, at this weight the doctors would advise me not to have children. I don't want to hold myself back from my dreams anymore. Please hear my heart crying out to all of you who love me so much. Thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you soon. I love you all! Here's to hope! (Even if my hope is the size of a fingernail clipping) I know that's gross, but hey..count yourself lucky..I could have said toenail clipping. (Here's where we collectively go "EWW!)